Script!

Here is a script written by the great Robert Frank and Eliot Hawkins:

Donovan (stands up and takes down his big black bag. After removing two 45lbs dumbells, he begins to replace the bag when a sudden wave of turbulance causes him to drop the bag)

Mikael: Ah comrade, I see you struggling with bag. Your are lucky to be sitting next to the Mikael “stop grabbing my stuff and please sit down” Patrovski. (Mikael begins to stand up and grab the bag.)

Donovan: Nah, playa, Imma make dis bag ma bitch.

(Donovan begins to take the bag out of Mikael’s hand.)

Mikael: Comrade, be the bigger man here, and let me prove I am bigger man. (Mikael pulls harder at the bag)

Donovan: Mikael, stop grabbing my stuff and sit down!

Mikael: Ah, you catch on fast for american. I understand your hesitation. Many ruskies these days have let American culture corrupt their minds and bodies, but I assure you, I am purebred Russian. One time, I harass Russian species of endangered bear with my bear, pun intended, hands and my 2000 kilo mercedes, and tree bear slammed into, while cubs watched.

Donovan: Damn, that’s cold! Man, I use to roll with this group of homies. One time, we was straight up bustin into this playa’s crib, when out of nowhere, a vase begins to fall...I caught it.

Mikael: In Soviet Russia, vase does not fall on you, you fall on vase. So, one time, I fall on vase.

Donovan: Man are you playin? One time I jumped. In the air!

Mikael: Are you serious? Is this? Are you this all you did? One time, periodically throughout my entire life, I keep eyes closed for eight to ten hours per evening.

Donovan: (His reaction is running one direction, through the entire plane toward the cockpit, then comes running from the back of the plane. Then JUMPS into Mikael’s face, high fiving passengers along the way.) AAAAAAhhhhhh! The square root of one squared times ago, I was being vaccinated for several different STD’s I had at the time and my Uncle, who constantly confused me about my sexual orientation, was giving me a shot. It hurt. Did I cry? Yes. Did I embarrass myself? Yes. Do I stay up at night reading Dr. Phil novels to help me cope with the emotional stress caused by this situation? Nah I don’t do dat.

Mikael: Yeah, but I like, really harassed this bear, so...call it even?

Donovan: Aight man, dat sounds good. Hey miss? (to flight attendant) I’d like two chamomile teas for my friend here, and me.